Trial and Error
March 24, 2008 I am feeling melancholy tonight thinking about my past and how different my sisters and I were raised. My mother raised three girls on her own, with the help and guidance of my wonderful grandparents. I was the oldest. Someone should have handed me a copy of a parenting magazine back when I was five to let me know when you are the oldest you are pretty much screwed. Especially growing up in with a strict mom and really strict Catholic grandparents.
Growing up I was lucky enough that I did not have to study all the time to get good grades. With minimal effort I got by in school. I made high honors when I felt like applying myself that semester. In the same breath I was labeled as a floater and a "talker" every year. I promise you that everyone of my report cards has some sort of comment of "social butterfly, "likes to talk". It was so bad that I had flunked out of Regents Algebra in 11th grade, only to repeat the class and get the same teacher the following year in 12th. However, Mr. Feldman was not very fond that I was back in his class again and told me to find another teacher offering the class because I "talk to much".
My mother was on top of me and my grades ALL THE TIME. To the point that it drove me insane. And she worked for the school district so she was "buddies" with my teachers. Can you say BLEH? It sucked. Big Time.
My two younger sisters got away with MURDER. I had to get A's or B's in school, they were allowed to get C's and D's.
I got punished for a full six week semester and obeyed the punishment, they got punished the same time and were off punishment within a week.
I was not allowed in my high school sweethearts car until I was 18. He drove to school everyday, I took the bus. My sisters had their friends driving them to school as a freshman in high school.
If I broke curfew, which was 10:00 pm, for every minute I was late was a week of punishment I had to serve. My sisters were sneaking out the basement window to hang out and NEVER got caught.
See the pattern? The oldest gets screwed all the time.
Here it is, many years later and I am now a mother of two boys and while they are both young I can already see patterns developing.
Donnie, my three year old, was never allowed to put anything near his mouth that I did not personally sterilize 100 times. Aaron, my ten month old, is given the first thing I can reach for, it is quickly dusted off and given to him to eat, chew, suck whatever.
Donnie listened to Baby Einstein in the car at all times. Aaron knows all the words to Justin Timberlakes's Future Sex/Love Sounds.
Donnie always left the house with the perfect little boy outfit. Aaron is lucky if I match his outfits.
I can already see Aaron's little personality is so much like my personality. He baby babbles all day, all night. The second you put him down on the floor he is off crawling around going everywhere he is not supposed to go. I will not be surprised if I get report cards when he is in school saying that he is a social butterfly and a talker.
Donnie is an old soul. He is very much like his father. Wicked smart, wit sharper than a knife and would rather be at home with just a small group of family than be out and about with friends.
Do I love my kids any differently? Nope. It has taken the birth of my second child to understand that my mother did not love my sisters more because she was so hard on me and so easy on them. I believe it was all about trial and error.
I don't have all the answers, probably never will. And I still need to know why the hell my sisters were allowed to get lower grades, skip punishment, or even wear make up in junior high. But what I do know right now is that easing up on trying to be the perfect mother with the perfect kids has helped me deal with outrageous challenge of balancing my boys, being a wife, working full time, and trying to be a good friend.
My mother did a wonderful job of raising three kids the best way she knew how, which was with trial and error. She has a pretty good point.
Did you mom or dads out there with more than one baby find that you were more passive with your second child?
Reader Comments (30)
Passive? I couldn't get more passive if I were sleeping. I've been a lot more easy-going with Jr. than I was with the Princess. Like you, I don't worry half as much about letting him chew on (safe) stuff, I don't constantly float around behind him to be sure he doesn't fall or get into things he shouldn't, I didn't worry that every new food I gave him was going to result in a horrible choking episode, etc. As a result, I have a much more easy-going second child. He's also much more independent, and he has blossomed physically much more quickly than she did (ie. walking, climbing, using a spoon, etc. earlier than his sister did). It's been a very interesting social experiment! Wonder what it will be like with #3, should that little one come along?
I feel like my mom treated us all 3 pretty much equally which I don't know if I agree with. I think of my own 2 boys and how different they are. I treat them differently and let each one get away with different things because it is not something I need to worry about with the other. For instance, if Grant has an accident, I say, "okay, go change." If Gavin has an accident, I have to punish him somehow because he ALWAYS has accidents and would keep pushing it if I let him. Different personalities warrant different parenting.
That is my soapbox anyway.
KEEP BELIEVING
I treat all my kids so differently. But it's true, you learn, the second one bounces. HA! Can you imagine what the fourth one does?
I was the oldest too, but with younger brothers. You want to talk about getting away with murder, it was a very unjust world at my house growing up!
I was just like you! Germ freak with Cade and now assume that Anya could probably be exposed to more. And just like you I was the oldest with only one brother who could do anything he wanted. They always believed what he had to say! ai yi yi!
But, I agree, parenting is hard. How do you know what to always do? Trial and error I tell you, trial and error. I wish it was easier!
I was the youngest in my family. I definitely got away with more. And the same thing happens with my own kids.
For me, it's not only about trial and error. It's about exhaustion! I figured out that it was tiring to be so super-picky and then taking care of more kids on top of it?? Exhausting!! So naturally, I lightened up.
well.. I was an only child so I cannot relate to the sibling thing. But I do know I was the same as you in raising my 3 kids. My daughter is 5 years older than the boys.. who are only 13 months apart EEK! I can see where we were a bit more strict on her than them. Although.. she was a girl. I know that should not matter but it really does. One good thing.. they all 3 turned out fabulous. Just remember the 'trial and error' thing is ok :)
My parents raised both my 4 years younger brother and I pretty much the same. That was until high school. Then I started to notice that it seemed to be "ok" (which I know it wasn't "ok" with them, they were just much more lax with him) when he got bad grades or stayed out past curfew. He didn't have a curfew by 11th grade. I still had a 12am curfew as a senior! How embarrassing!
I think every parent will 'parent' each child differently. And it is exaclty because of that...Trial and Error.
Hell, I don't know what I'm going to do when this kid comes out! :)
I am the oldest too. I cried so many tears growing up because of it. I was the experiment. I got punished. UGH! I hated it.
But, YES, I agree with you. I am a different mother to all three of my kids. The third is lucky to be dressed and fed. LOL.
WONDERFUL post.
This post hits so close to home. I've been noticing how different my children are. I know some of it is based on genetics, but a lot has to do with how we raise them. Molly is so much more independent than her older brother. At nine months, she is off on her own. She is fierce and goofy and curious. He is wicked clever but so much more reserved. Birth order really does matter. However, you are right. The love is so equal. I hope my babies always know that.
Oh man, L is our first baby and we already do the "dust off" thing. Does that mean our next kid will just lick the floor? Haha.
My parents were incredibly strict on me. For grades. If I got anything less than an A, I heard "What happened!" from my dad. Or something of the sorts. If I got a C? I'd cry. He'd get pissed and yadda yadda yadda. Good grades were EXPECTED. When my bro came along? Uh no. C's and D's were okay. For him. In fact, they started offering him money to get good grades (something I never got). I requested back pay but that never happened.
He's been allowed to do SO MUCH more than I was. It's okay. They're gonna make up for it with all my children. Bwahahaha :)
Well, definitely less concerned about dirt with the second, and more likely to be calm when I find her crouching on top of the toilet tank. But their personalities are so different (one shy, one pretty outgoing; one a perfectionist, one all about making others laugh) that I think they may end up being treated NOT with different standards (that always drove me crazy too, as the oldest of three girls) but as if they have different needs. Which, of course, all children too. But the different rules thing? No way.
Though I only have one son, I can relate with you. I'm becoming a nerve wreck with this baby trying to "protect" and cherish everything with him. It's almost like, gee, will I have any stamina left for the second one? Blogs like yours are a constant reminder that I should step back a little bit more and enjoy the moment rather than worrying about the gazillion germs he's probably ingesting right now.
- Maria
p.s. been trying to email you since the weekend but your mail folder is full. You won one of my ad spots =) Email me please when you have the chance. Cheers!
this is such a great post! really... Being a sibling who was raised in a single parent household I always had the "outside observer" perspective... And I hated it... I watched other families and never "got it". Now that I am the mom of a single child, I watch my sister or friends be so different to their second and third born, than their oldests...
Thank you for this!
I found your blog through Kristen at Loving our Simple Life and it is beautiful! I am cracking up as you describe your boys - My two boys are 5 and 2 and are very similar to how you have described your first and second. I think that it is all a part of the parenting process and that as moms we have to learn somewhere and we naturally want to do everything perfect the first time around and seem to so a pretty good job until number two comes along and we just don't have the time or the energy and the lightbulb goes on that "we don't have to be perfect" and that the second will do just fine with what we can do - and look how they turn out - most times, much more laid back and flexible. Is there a way to prevent our up-tightness with the first? I really don't think so - Plus, the world needs us first borns - we are the "doers, thinkers and planners" - Even though we desperately want to be like our second or third born counterparts, God honors the gifts of each of us! It is very fascinating though!
You do the best you can and that's all anyone can ever ask of you. Your kids won't fully appreciate you until they are much older. Perhaps our age. Sucks, but it's true. Until then, continue doing the best you can and love them as much as you can. And more importantly, never, ever, ever question your ability to take good care of your kids. If you weren't good at it someone would have taken them from you long ago.
I don't have kids yet, but I can tell you that my mom was crazy strict on me and my brother can get away with anything and everything.
I wonder what kind of mother/parent I will be.
I hope you had a good Easter!
♥xo
I was pretty easy going from the first baby. The biggest change I had was in schedule. I was a schedule fanatic with my first. I wanted her on a schedule to the minute! I am a lot more laid back in that department now (although I still thrive on order).
OMG YES! I am sooooo much more lax with my second baby. I can't even imagine having a third. He/she would probably just raise herself for the first coupla years. Hahaha!!!
My kids are four years apart... so yes, I was more relaxed and mature when I had my second child. I learned that a little dirt never hurt, and that babies create their own schedules no matter what we want them to do. =)
With the two of them almost 5 years apart, I do feel badly sometimes because our son has always been such a responsible kid and sometimes when the two of them fight, we naturally get on his back because he's the older and "should know better"... I hate doing that to him because I would get that as the oldest a lot too, it's just a natural tendency.
And being the eldest, there is a lot of responsibility put on your shoulders. hubs and I were having the discussion on the weekend about how I was the only one of the three of us who put myself through university ... parents maybe paid for my first term tuition, but that was IT! Meanwhile, my younger siblings had their bank accounts padded a lot along the way.
My folks have never really acknowledged that or been proud of that fact, at least not to my face; they try to be equal to all three of us (I know they really do) but I think it's just always been expected that I would be the over-achiever and never really ever need as much help.
I think it's always been like that & always will. I remember being required to get A's in everything (I got a D in Regents sequential Math 3 in Junior year, too. Had to go to summer school for it. That was a hard one!), while my brother, although extremely intelligent, was allowed to get C's & D's & not bother with homework. I worked since I was 15 so I'd have money to spend. My brother didn't have a job till after he dropped out of college. I bought a raggedy old 20 year old car with my hard earned money. My parents bought my brother a brand new Eclipse for his 18th birthday. The list goes on & on. ..
Great post Kim. Kudos to you for being able to look at the differences between how you were raised vs. that of your younger siblings and learn from it.
My youngest are 22 months apart and the oldest (3 1/2 years old) is certainly the social butterfly. Her sister is much more quiet and purposeful (for a 20 monther) and I do think that has a lot to do with how passive we have been with her. We have allowed her to stay a baby longer and that is one thing we wouldn't change at all.
I FEEL YOUR PAIN!!! I have a little brother and sister and I too was treated the exact same way! When I was in high school, my curfew was 10PM. My brother and sister are now in high school and have no curfew at all. Also when I was in high school, whenever I wanted my girlfriend (my current fiancee) to come over, I had to make sure it fit within my mother's schedule. Why? Because she wouldn't allow us to be together alone. But my brother and sister (who are the same exact age I was!) spends the night with his girlfriend/her boyfriend. I can go on and on and on! They have it out for us "first born-ers"! Someone should invent a holiday where our younger siblings celebrate US for the simple reason that it's because of US that they have it so good!
I was the oldest AND I was adopted, which put another layer of stress on it. By the time my sister came along, two boys and thirteen years later, she got totally different parents than I had, got away with EVERYTHING, no worries, while I sport the diaper pin scars for life!
Max is getting best of both worlds. Since I waited so long to have him, I don't EVEN have the energy to punish him strenuously, but he gets all the kid attention. He's already getting C's in conduct, though.
I only have one but I think itw oudl be impossible not to be - even if you attempted it you just dont have the time to watch over your second or third child like you did your first!
We would have gotten along SO well in school! Every report card said the same thing. Talker/such potential if she would just focus, etc. That was from about 1st grade to 12th!
The pain of being the oldest! My little sister had it SO EASY. My parents now even admit that "I broke them in" My son is the only and even i feel the weight of my hyper focus.
I think whatever was done to you (or to any firstborn) is done out of love and little bit of fear. With the younger kids, what's done is done out of love and exhaustion.
Kim, til my dying breathe I cannot apologize enough to you how I raised you & your sisters, as one always reminds me of what a terrible mother I was constantly...I was just doing what I thought was right, playing two sides of a coin, mother/father, until it caused a breakdown, remember, I also still had to be the "good daughter" to my parents, and since I disgraced them by getting divorced and not "standing by my man who was screwing everybody he met(while I was 9 mos. carrying you) and beating the crap out of me because Amy wouldn't stop crying or giving me 1/2 hr to get groceries or he'd leave me at the store or "just because I asked where he was going" it was a tough place to be in.....it still burns in your blood by your post...even though I know you're just showing a comparison of how you see your sons own patterns developing...you also have to go back in time & remember you're sisters DID have ridiculous punishments, just ask me...I remember...remember, too, that since Kindergarten you have always been a wonderful social chatterbox just like your nephews, so that trait is never going to change...you were all loved the same, never any less...and I'm proud of how your grew up into the fine young woman that you are with all the insanity I put you through..I was just trying to be a mother...but the mother turned into a monster..and I'm sorry...
The oldest always gets the shaft! It seems as though we are the "offspring guinea pig" for parents and what not to do the next time around is what's learned. I vow not to let that happen to me and my girls.